Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
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Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.