Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Not all heroes wear capes….
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
how to have fun when you’re poor
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!