The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
You Might Also Like
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.