Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.