[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
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[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.