What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
*gets down on one knee*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.