someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks