“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion