Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology