I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
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“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human