COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
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people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman