8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
This is so me 😂😂
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
PER MY LAST EMAIL
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?