The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
#titanic