Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
You Might Also Like
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life