are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
😎 🍻
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
You better watch out
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.