What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!