Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
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The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me too, bag. Me too….
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
#dnd #ttrpg
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!