Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan