I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.