I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.