Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
You Might Also Like
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.