Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Well, shit
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.