I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
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This pepper has seen some shit
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
There is wisdom there.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?