Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I created you as mosquito food.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Human are so complicated
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Ugh
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective