Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
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WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*