Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“and how does that make you feel?”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me