“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
the #horror is real!
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Meow
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!