I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Shortcut
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
You sure about that?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.