I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
😎 🍻
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.