I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?