If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.