If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Hero horse inspires millions
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)