i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy