20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..