I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
real
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?