BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
the dark web is just a goth google.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
did it work
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.