Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Nothing.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.