Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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Don’t snitch tag.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?