HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
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Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
lol
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine