I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
OH. COME. ON.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No