Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here