[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
#ProTip
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
This meal prepping shit easy
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads