is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
even bears disappoint their mothers
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Just me and my debit card against the world
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.