A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
welp
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*