They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
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Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.