Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Many hands make light work
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another