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My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating