Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Worth a try
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.