There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.