genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
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okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Raisins are grape jerky.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
drew a comic about my origin story
One venti cheeseburger please.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?